Monday, March 9, 2009
Gilligan & Buddies on "Obama Isle"
The news is getting so awful I have to step back and have a light hearted moment here. So today I'm going to demonstrate how the crew and passengers from that zany show, Gilligan's Island, would fair if they had landed on Obama Isle.
So, Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this tropic shore aboard this tiny ship...
Let's start with the Skipper. The poor Skipper, being a small business owner, soon discovers that Obama views him as the money making machine which keeps the island operating. The Skipper's taxes rise to 39.6%, plus he has to pay all of his, and half of Gilligan's, FICA tax and healthcare benefits. Never mind the new carbon tax that The Minnow is going to cost him. When the Skipper pleads "But I work 90 hours a week and put most of my money back into the business, AND I create jobs for others", Obama scoffs at the Skipper's utter selfishness before heading off to lunch at the beach bar to enjoy a nice weygu steak sandwich and a Corona.
Gilligan. Obama loves Gilligan. He immediately gets some union thugs to coerce the sorry boy into signing on, and "Poof!" He gets a pay raise, a full pension, and lifetime healthcare benefits, along with the stipulation that he does not have to work outside of the contract. When the weather starts getting rough and the tiny ship is tossed, well, that's the Skipper's problem. Gilligan soon gets used to this great new deal, and ACORN registers him and his imaginary friend Gary as Democrats.
The Professor. Being a liberal elite intellectual from an Ivy league school with no practical knowledge but lots of great ideas, The Professor is definitely "in" with Obama. Obama uses him as his front man for all policy making (as he personally has no clue) and puts him to work 24/7 to find a way out of their little problem of being stranded. The Professor is, however, definitely not cool enough to be invited to parties at the Island White House.
Ginger. Ginger, as a Hollywood starlet, is definitely the "It Girl" and is invited to every White House party. However, when she breathily sings "Happy Birthday, Mr. President", Michelle, who has been holding in her contempt for the dumb redhead, jumps her, and a cat fight ensues. It's Friday night Smack Down at the White House! With her toned arms and big booty, the smart money is on Michelle.
Thurston Howell III and wife, Lovey. Obama's first order is to send tax cheat Tim Geithner to hunt down Thurston's gazillions of dollars hidden in secret Swiss Bank accounts. When the Swiss don't comply, Thurston is put under Hut Arrest, whilst the wheels of the legal system turn ever so slowly. No matter, Lovey is there to comfort him, and fill him in on the island goings on as their savings are depleted in the tumbling Obama stock market.
Mary Ann. Hailing from the midwest and chock full of good traditional American values, Mary Ann does not like what she sees happening on on the Island. She's disgusted with Gilligan for betraying The Skipper and foregoes making him any more coconut cream pies. Instead, she puts her perky talents towards protesting Obama's new rules and holding Tea Parties which only the Skipper and Lovey attend. Obama soon clamps down on the dissent and sends pesky Mary Ann to pry abalone shells off of the rocks at low tide.